Vol. Elf No. Ears

Wow, it’s only one week to Christmas and all through the house – okay, no more Christmas Trite. All decorated here and I just walk around and look at my collection of small elves, the old but hanging-in-there carolers and the stockings hung on the fireplace mantle. I particularly stop and admire Aldo and Vinny Armani. (Photos in this merry missive.)

Now to the good stuff and of course that means FOOD. Our traditional Christmas meal is pasties – and what is that, you ask? (I know some of you are smirking, thinking pasties – ha ha – but it’s pronounced pass-tees, okay, so pick your brain out of the gutter.)

The original pasties come from Cornwall, England, and were lunch for tin miners working deep underground. They’re basically meat pies, originally, and looked like big turnovers. Only thing that appalls – they used turnips – for centuries. Thankfully our family deep-sixed the turnips so now it’s layers of potato, sliced thin, onions, celery, tenderized steak – three layers in all in a lovely flaky pie. When last in Cornwall, we ordered pasties and I have to be honest here, the crust was cardboard and the insides were mushed carrots, maybe one piece of meat (origin unknown) and yes, turnips. Now, my pasties are to die for, promise, but you have to dump on the ketchup.

Do you open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Or both? Do your kids believe in Santa Claus? (maybe, but many little kids or toddlers are whizzes at smart phones and iPads and figure out really fast the North Pole and a fat old man in a flying unmotorized sleigh simply ain’t going to bring presents to every kid in every fricking house in the entire world in one night. No chimney? Let’s not even go there.)

I hear there’ll be football and basketball on Christmas Day -– like Thanksgiving, round 2. Poor players – warmed up turkey or ham or maybe even pasties (well, good cold for breakfast with ketchup) is doubtless in their futures.

As for New Year’s Eve, we plan to fly back to New York for the ball drop in Times Square, then on to all the parties and drinking until we fall over and sleep for two days. Did you believe that? Goodness, you’re easy. Nope, it’s here, at home, all toasty, maybe a few friends, one glass of champagne when the ball drops at 9:00 pm California time, and it’s sayonara to 2024.

Merry Christmas, Everyone –

Don’t forget – pass-tees –

Catherine Coulter

Vinny Arman

Aldo Armani